


Human Resources Can't Exactly Fix This

by harpydora



Category: Friends at the Table (Podcast)
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Fluff, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Other, Season: COUNTER/Weight
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-31
Updated: 2018-11-14
Packaged: 2019-06-19 16:15:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15513645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/harpydora/pseuds/harpydora
Summary: AuDy corners Cass once the repair is complete. "Now that I am no longer damaged, I require employment.""Um, okay? What's that have to do with me?""You will hire me as a bodyguard."





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This takes place in a nebulously happy AU where Rigour is gone and nobody died.
> 
> No betas, we die like men!

In the wake of Rigour's defeat, Cass uses some of their savings to let AuDy buy a new arm. It doesn't match their other arm, but it's shiny and gold and the spitting image of Aria's prosthetic. The similarity isn't lost on any of the Chime, but no one says anything about it.

AuDy corners Cass once the repair is complete. "Now that I am no longer damaged, I require employment."

"Um, okay? What's that have to do with me?"

"You will hire me as a bodyguard," AuDy says firmly.

Cass blinks at them, confused. "I will?"

"Yes." Then, after a pause: "You have tried to sacrifice yourself multiple times. I can't allow you to continue. You will hire me as a bodyguard."

Cass shakes their head, incredulous. "AuDy, that's not how this works. Besides, if you're my bodyguard, that's just putting _you_ in danger. How's that any better?"

"I will be close to you." They respond without hesitation.

Their answer shocks Cass into silence for a moment. When they recover, they shake their head again. "Okay, but that doesn't change the fact that you could get hurt. What happens then?"

"My salary will pay for any potential repairs," AuDy says. As if that's a reasonable response.

"That's not the point! The point is I don't want you to get hurt!"

"Then do not do anything that would cause me to intervene." As if that's also a reasonable response.

Cass pinches the bridge of their nose. "AuDy…"

AuDy matches them. "Cassander."

"Alright. Hypothetically, say I let you do this. What happens then?"

"I will be close to you and make sure you remain uninjured," AuDy replies.

Cass holds up their hands, relenting. "Okay. Okay. You win. I'm hiring you as a bodyguard. But you have to promise me you'll… I don't know. Just be careful. If something happened to you because of me…" They don't want to think about that scenario. Losing any of the members of the Chime would gut them, but losing AuDy because someone is gunning for _them…_ They shake their head.

"I will be as careful as I need to be," AuDy says, which is not reassuring.

*

"I will be close to you," as it turns out, means a variety of things. Beyond simply standing at Cass's side during functions, it means sitting with them as they eat, staying in the Apokine's suite, and taking up a position near their bed so that Cass falls asleep under the dim glow of the lights on AuDy's chassis. It's almost comforting to have them there, a step behind and to the side of Cass. A comforting, cold presence that permeates their life.

"I will be as careful as I need to be," as it turns out, means something entirely different.

*

The assassination attempt is sloppy, but Cass is alone in their room—or as alone as they get with AuDy's constant presence—and the attacker had good enough tech to make it past the perimeter guard. They come through the bedroom window while Cass is bathing. Cass doesn't even know what's going on until they hear a gunshot followed by a shotgun blast followed by a second shot.

Their days in the military and with the Chime have conditioned Cass to keep a weapon within arms' reach, so they eschew a towel and grab their pistol instead.

The sight in their bedroom is… grim. The attacker did not fare well against a shotgun being fired point-blank at their abdomen, but at least one shot clipped AuDy in their original arm and left it hanging useless at their side.

Cass lowers their pistol. Their hand does not waver, but their voice does.  "AuDy, I need you to tell me you're okay."

"My arm and leg are damaged, but I am functional," they say. "I have alerted the rest of your staff. You might want to put on clothing."

"Shit." Cass sets their gun on an end table and dashed back to the bathroom to do as AuDy said. Before they've even tugged on their tunic, the rest of their security team arrives.

The process of clean-up is swift, though there's nothing to be done about the window until the next day. Cass is shuffled off to another suite in the palace, and AuDy drags themself behind them. When they're settled with a doubled set of guards on every point of entry, Cass looks at AuDy.

"I thought I said I didn't want you to get hurt. I—"

"I'm your bodyguard," AuDy interrupts. " I can be repaired. The roboticist will be here tomorrow. You would not heal for weeks or months."

Cass waves a hand in AuDy's direction to encompass… everything. "You got _shot,_ AuDy!"

"So you would not," they say. "I am your bodyguard."

Cass stands up and stomps over to stand directly in front of AuDy. They're taller than Cass, which ruins some of the effect of Cass's anger, but it's too late to change their course of action. They glare up at AuDy's primary camera. "I hired you because that meant you'd be close to me, not because I wanted you to get shot!"

AuDy shrugs with their good arm—the golden one. "I can be repaired. You can't."

Scrubbing at their face with both hands, Cass groans. "That's not the problem here. The problem is that I care about your well-being, okay? I want you here, but I don't want you getting hurt."

"Then why did you hire me?"

Cass groans in frustration. The urge to tear their hair out is high. They point at AuDy. "That was your idea!"

AuDy laughs, a sound so foreign that it takes a moment for Cass to remember that's what it is. It only makes Cass glare up at them harder.

"It's not funny! You got _shot!_ " They gesture at AuDy's arm and leg in a jerky motion.

"I will be fine. If it will make you feel better, you can assist with removing the bullets. My sensors can't pick them up and my cameras are not capable of seeing the one in my arm."

Cass takes a deep breath and counts to ten. Twice. When they're done, they look back up at AuDy. "Okay. Alright. Fine. I'll help you dig out the bullets."

Without a word, AuDy hobbles to the bed and sits down, their weight causing the frame to creak and the mattress to tip low. Cass settles in beside them. The two holes are sizeable when not compared to the hole AuDy left in the assassin; the weapon was high caliber or the rounds hollow-point. If it had been both, the chances of AuDy retaining their limbs would have been low.

"I'm not going to get shocked by exposed wires here, am I?" Cass asks, half a joke.

"No. I've shut down power to these limbs to prevent further damage."

"Great."

Cass looks at the hole in what amounts to AuDy's thigh. It's two inches in diameter, but they can't immediately see the slug. "I guess if your sensors can't pick it up, it's not gonna hurt if I dig around in there," Cass muses, mostly to themself.

"I do not feel pain," AuDy affirms.

Taking another deep breath, Cass reaches into the hole and probes for the slug. They've removed countless bullets from people during their time as a doctor—hell, they've removed bullets from themself and Aria and Mako on more than one occasion—but something feels different about digging around inside AuDy's leg.

AuDy holds themself perfectly still as Cass works, something else that is different about this compared to previous experiences. Cass grimaces. "This would be easier with some forceps," they grumble.

"You are welcome to acquire some."

Cass rolls their eyes. "No, I've got it. I can feel it right… here." They grab the slug between their forefinger and middle finger and pull it out of AuDy's leg. When they remove it, they drop it on the nightstand near them. It makes a dull _thunk_ sound when it hits the wood.

They turn their attention to AuDy's arm. The hole is just below their shoulder, perfectly placed in one of AuDy's blind spots. They reach into AuDy's arm until their fingertips find what they're looking for and pull it out as well. It falls next to the other on the nightstand.

"There."

AuDy finally shifts. "Your assistance is appreciated."

*

The roboticist comes and goes; they're no Cene Sixheart, but they patch AuDy up well enough and don't complain when Cass insists on being there while it happens. The only indication that AuDy had been damaged are two shiny spots in their chassis where the roboticist performed the repairs.

"We need to revisit this whole thing, AuDy," Cass says once they're alone again. "I know you're all patched up now, but… AuDy, I don't want you getting hurt again. I'm firing you."

AuDy doesn't so much protest as declare, "You can't fire me."

"I'm Apokine," Cass snaps. "I can fire you if I want to. And I do, because I'm not letting you take any more bullets for me."

"You can't stop me." Another declaration.

"I can have my security detail take you out of here and replace you." But their words aren't nearly so forceful.

"You will not," AuDy says.

Cass sighs. "You're right, I won't. I know you want to stay close to me and… I want that, too. But I don't want you getting shot, or stabbed, or electrocute, or blown up… AuDy, I—"

AuDy cuts them off. "I don't want any of those things, either. Cassander. I care about your well-being. I want to ensure you are safe."

Cass's breath hitches in their throat. That… It made sense, from everything AuDy has said and done, especially recently, but… Hearing them say it makes it feel like something in Cass's chest is too large for their ribcage. The room feels warmer except for the coolness radiating from AuDy's metal form.

They reach out and take AuDy's hand—not the gold one, but the one that originally came with the Automated Dynamics chassis. The metal must have been smooth once, but it's scuffed and pock-marked beneath Cass's palm. In some ways, it matches the myriad of scars—acquired through scuffles and brawls and a notable accident with a scalpel—on Cass's own hand.

AuDy allows it.

"This is so stupid," Cass says around the lump in their throat. "Didn't you ever stop to think that I felt like that, too?"

"You act on the impulse often," AuDy says in a measured sort of way. "You have tried to save me from injury many times. It is difficult to ignore."

Cass snorts. "That's not what I meant."

"You want to be near me, and you don't want me to be injured." What should have sounded clinical with AuDy's voice synthesizer ends up somehow soft. Or maybe that's just Cass's imagination.

"Yeah."

AuDy turns their hand so that they grip Cass's fingers. "Then we should try to keep each other safe."

The statement is so simple that it startles Cass into laughter. "Okay. Yeah. Okay. Let's do that."


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hadn't intended for this to be multi-chapter, yet here we are. Have some ridiculous fluff.
> 
> My thanks to Annie and Will for the quick look-over!

The ball is, like most official state functions, boring. The only redeeming features in Cass's mind are the buffet spread, the quality of the champagne, and the fact that AuDy is having to suffer through it as well. AuDy's been their friend (and "bodyguard") long enough for Cass to see all the telltale signs of their increasing annoyance.

It shouldn't come as a surprise when AuDy takes their arm and guides them firmly toward one of the more secluded balconies, but Cass is already four flutes of champagne deep. As soon as they realize where AuDy is aiming to go, they shift their arm so they can link hands with AuDy. "What—hey, what're you doing?" they ask gamely.

"I wanted you to get some fresh air." AuDy speak for 'I want to get out of here but can't use getting fresh air as an excuse.'

Cass laughs and bumps their shoulders together. The air on the balcony is just a hair cooler than the air inside; it's easy to lean into how tipsy they've become. "You can just say that everyone in there is boring or—or a dick."

"Everyone inside is bothersome," AuDy agrees.

"I hate these fuckin' things. 'Least this one had some good booze." And, at the behest of said booze, they let their head drop onto AuDy's shoulder. The metal is cool under their cheek. "What if I faked my death so we don't have to go back inside."

"Aria and Mako would be sad."

"Oh, and you wouldn't be?" they tease.

"I would not be sad. I would be your accomplice."

It's not a shock to hear AuDy say the words, but it still fills Cass's chest with a warmth that goes beyond the champagne they've consumed. They grin. "I knew I hired you for a reason."

"Yes." AuDy pauses. "It is because we share a rich criminal history."

"Hey! At least—at least _half_ the jobs we did for Orth were legal!"

AuDy makes a vague noise that could mean agreement or could mean a disinclination to argue the point.

"Okay, whatever." Cass waves one hand as if to dismiss the subject. "I still don't wanna go back in there."

"We will stay out here as long as we can." AuDy concedes. "You have had a lot of champagne. That means you need a lot of fresh air."

"Guess you're right." They let their eyes drift closed. The distant sounds of the ball behind them are almost soothing at this remove, and AuDy's metal body is a pleasant counterpoint to their flushed warmth. Almost subconsciously, they squeeze AuDy's fingers; AuDy squeezes back.

*

Cass has two more flutes of champagne before AuDy brings them back to their quarters at the end of the night. AuDy half-supports, half-carries them to their bed and sets them down. Cass casually bats AuDy's hands away as they reach to take off Cass's formal jacket.

"M'not… M'not that drunk," they slur. Not a point in their favor, but oh well. Still, they manage to shuck off their outerwear and begin shimmying out of the needlessly complicated undergarments the outfit requires before AuDy tries to assist again.

"You will tangle the ties on your stays," AuDy admonishes as their fingers go for the knot that Cass hasn't yet given up on. In a few moments, the laces are untied and Cass can finally, _finally,_ wriggle out of the offending garment.

They toss it into the pile formed by the rest of their formal attire and flop back onto their bed. After a moment's idle thought, they lean up enough to grab AuDy's hand and tug them toward the bed. Thankfully, AuDy takes the hint and sits next to them; there's no way Cass could actually budge them if they hadn't wanted to move, even while sober.

Cass tugs AuDy's hand—their golden one, the one that matches Aria's—closer, and AuDy lets them. There's no one thing that causes Cass to pull AuDy's hand up to their cheek, but AuDy remains complicit. The cool metal feels like a balm against their flushed skin. Cass closes their eyes.

"You will need water before you can sleep," AuDy tells them in a hushed sort of voice.

"Not goin' to sleep," Cass mumbles. "Just… laying here."

And they do, soaking up the feeling of being free of their formalwear, the feeling of their soft mattress, the feeling of AuDy's hand against their cheek. Their chest fills with something warm and content, and a smile tugs at their lips.

After a while, Cass follows a stray whim and turns their head. They press their lips to the back of AuDy's hand in a dry, chaste gesture. Without opening their eyes, they ask, "Can you feel that?"

AuDy's internal workings hum. "No. It was not built to feel."

Not the response Cass expects—though they aren't sure _what_ reaction they were hoping to get by kissing AuDy's hand. "Do you want me to stop?"

"No." The single syllable is so firm that Cass opens their eyes and stares up at AuDy's head. There's no facial expression to read, but the vehemence of AuDy's response startles them.

"Okay," Cass says barely above a whisper. They change their hold on AuDy's hand and lay a tentative kiss on their knuckles. When AuDy makes no move to retract their permission, Cass repeats the kiss with a little more conviction.

AuDy makes a noise that's difficult for Cass to parse before they realize that it's meant to be a _sigh._ "I do not know how to reciprocate."

They pull back and let AuDy's hand slip through their fingers. "It's… that's fine. I guess it's kinda weird, since you're my bodyguard, I can—"

"I _want_ to reciprocate." The emphasis they place on the word 'want' eclipses that which they had put on their previous 'no.'

"O-oh." The room is suddenly hot and Cass has to take a moment to swallow around the lump in their throat before they can say, "Okay. We can… we can figure something out."

They pause, considering. How do they want AuDy to reciprocate? The champagne had encouraged Cass to kiss them, but hadn't given any thought to what might happen after. Now that an entire world of possibilities had opened up, they feel adrift and uncertain.

Into the yawning silence, AuDy says, "I can call Aria. She would have suggestions."

"No!" Cass splutters, pushing themself back up into a sitting position. "If you do that, I'm—I'm leaving."

"Then tell me how to reciprocate."

Cass huffs and tries to gather their scattered thoughts. The champagne isn't helping. "Okay. Alright. People who want to… I don't know, _be intimate_ sometimes start off by—fuck, how do you not know this? You've watched so much romantic crap with Aria and Mako."

"Is that what you want from me?" There's an edge of irritation or impatience to their words.

"No. I just…" Cass takes a deep breath. The flush on their face isn't entirely the alcohol now. "It's just been a while, okay? I don't know. Start by holding me, I guess? Apote, this is the least romantic thing ever."

Deadpan, AuDy says, "I am not romantic."

The completely deadpan delivery startles a laugh out of Cass. "Yeah, no shi—woah!" They squawk as AuDy takes them by the waist, lifts them up as if they weigh nothing, and arranged them in their lap. For a dizzying moment, all Cass can do is stare at AuDy and blink. AuDy's original hand is almost too cold, but their golden hand still has some warmth to it where Cass had been holding it. The contrast raises goosebumps on Cass's skin.

"I am holding you," AuDy says, the implied 'now what?' hanging in the air between them.

Cass nods vaguely. "Yeah. Uh. Sometimes people like to have their faces touched?" It comes out far more unsure than they'd hoped.

AuDy removes their original hand from Cass's side and gingerly rests the tips of their fingers on Cass's cheek. The points of contact feel strange, simultaneously clinical and exhilarating. They stay like that for a moment before gently trailing their fingertips over the dusting of scales that runs high on Cass's cheekbone.

"Okay," Cass whispers as they learn I to the touch. "Okay. This is—this is where you usually go in for a kiss, but, uh…" Cass trails off.

"You may kiss me," AuDy says. Their hand flattens so they cradle Cass's cheek on their palm.

"Right. Yeah." Cass leans forward until their lips hover a hairsbreadth above the screen that they had always thought of as AuDy's 'face.' Then they close the distance, pressing another chaste kiss to the smooth pane of glass. Their breath fogs it up a little as they lean back, and when they kick their lips they taste something almost metallic. AuDy makes no sign of discomfort or dislike, so Cass leans back in to kiss them again.

AuDy takes that as a cue, hooks their golden arm around Cass's waist, and tugs them flush with their chest. They are warm from the workings of their internal mechanisms—warmer than a human and warmer than Cass expects. A shiver runs up their spine, and AuDy tightens their grip on Cass's waist. It only seems right for Cass to rest their arms on AuDy's shoulders, so they do.

"We have kissed and I am holding you," AuDy declares. "Now I will take down your hair."

Cass's throat goes dry. The offer knocks them off-kilter and they flounder for a moment to respond. There isn't a facial expression to read, but Cass knows there's no way AuDy doesn't understand what they've said. They've lived with Cass too long not to know. "I—okay. That's… that's good."

Their hair is braided in a pair of conservative plaits that have been pinned up and embellished with jewelry. It's a standard style for state affairs, and one Cass has gotten down to a science, if not an art. AuDy must have been paying attention, because their hand leaves Cass's cheek and their fingers go for the piece of jewelry Cass always removes first. They pluck it from Cass's hair and set it next to them on the bed. It'll probably get lost, Cass thinks, but they're not sure they care. Jewelry can be replaced; this moment can't.

It's joined by another piece, then another, then another, until AuDy removes the pins holding the braids in place. Cass tries to remember how to breathe as AuDy starts taking down the braids themselves. Where Cass thought AuDy might make the same efficient work of them, AuDy's fingers slow down.

"AuDy?" Their name comes out a little breathy. It's difficult for Cass to ignore the warmth in their belly with AuDy's hand tangled in the fraying strands of their braid.

AuDy makes a noise that Cass can't place before they respond, "I may not be able to feel, but that does not mean I don't want to commit this to my memory."

"Oh," Cass says, their voice very small. They lean forward so they could rest their forehead against AuDy and close their eyes. AuDy's fingers start moving again, unwinding Cass's braids and then smoothing their hair down their back with far more care than Cass would have expected them capable of.

Before Cass can think to say anything, to move, AuDy lets go of their waist and cards the fingers of both their hands through Cass's hair. With the sort of efficiency that Cass would expect, AuDy separates their hair into three strands and works it into a basic plait like Cass would normally sleep in. "You must drink water. Then you will be ready for bed."

Cass groans. "You're the worst. I don't want to go to bed."

AuDy takes them by the waist and shifts them off their lap and back onto the bed. "You're still drunk."

Crossing their arms, Cass does their best approximation of a glare. "Yeah, so?"

It's evidently not that great of an approximation, because AuDy ignores them entirely. They stand and head towards the door to the bathroom. Cass hears the sound of the tap, then AuDy returns with a glass of water. AuDy holds it out to them. "Drink this," they order.

Cass takes the glass; the water is cold, but Cass drains the entire thing before setting it on the nightstand. "There. Happy?"

"I will be happier when you've gone to sleep," AuDy states.

"Ugh. You're the worst." But Cass scoops up their hair jewelry and deposits it on the nightstand next to the empty glass. "Fine. I'm going to sleep now, but don't think you're getting out of… this." They gesture vaguely in AuDy's direction.

AuDy doesn't respond. Instead, they turn off the lights.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There needs to be more fic of Cass willing to throw down in defense of AuDy's personhood.
> 
> Thank you Will for the quick once-over.

Cass isn't sure if Minister Paulos is trying and failing to be subtle, or if they are trying to intentionally piss Cass off. Either way, as soon as Paulos scoffs and whispers to the foreign minister next to them, Cass clenches both hands into fists and holds them in their lap lest they do something drastic.

"I don't see why the Apokine is so attached to that bucket of bolts," Paulos says in a sotto voice. "It's a damn antiquated parking robot, and they treat it like a trusted friend."

Something drastic like break Paulos's nose.

"Do you have something to say to me, Minister?" Cass grinds out through clenched teeth.

Paulos doesn't even have the good graces to look startled at being called out. So it was intentional, then. The asshole. They smile blandly at Cass and say, "I just wonder at the fiscal wisdom of keeping such a relic as your so-called bodyguard. _Surely_ the maintenance costs are ridiculous."

"AuDy isn't a relic. They're a person, and they get the same salary as every other member of the royal guard." Euanthe would be proud of how civil Cass's tone remains, if they were in this meeting. Cass is glad they aren't, though. They suspect things are about to get ugly.

"With all due respect, your Resplendence, don't you think it's a bit delusional to ascribe a personality to a parking robot?" Paulos's smile remains firmly fixed in place, but there's a spiteful glint in their eye that sets Cass even more on edge. They're spoiling for a fight.

Fine.

Cass stands. "Say that again," they challenge.

"Isn't it below you, as Apokine, to play pretend with a worn old toy?"

It isn't a conscious decision. One moment, they're next to their own chair. The next, Cass is punching Paulos, square in the nose. "Don't you _ever_ speak like that about my friend again," they snarl.

Paulos has enough wherewithal to look shocked as they hold their bleeding nose. "What the hell?!"

Cass's knuckles throb. It's been too long since they'd had to punch someone in the face and they'd forgotten how much it hurt. They shake out their hand.

Behind them, AuDy finally speaks. "Cassander."

Cass doesn't turn around, not even when they felt one of AuDy's hands on their shoulder. Instead, they keep their gaze on Paulos. "You can disagree with my decisions on who's in my royal guard and who's not, but you'd better talk about every member like they're a person. Because they _all_ are."

They look up at the other people gathered around them. "This meeting is over. We'll reconvene tomorrow, after Minister Paulos has had a chance to see to their injury." They take a step back, which puts them nearly flush to AuDy's front.

One of the other ministers clears their throat. "As you wish, Apokine." Another minister takes this as a cue to take Paulos by the arm and lead them out of the room. The rest of the room's occupants follow suit until the cabinet room is empty save for Cass and AuDy.

"That was unnecessary," AuDy finally says.

"It was completely necessary," Cass retorts, waspish. "I'm not going to tolerate people disrespecting you like that. You're a person, not a thing."

"If people believe me to be just a parking robot, they will underestimate me. I can use that to my advantage." Their hand falls from Cass's shoulder, and Cass finally turns to face them.

They don't wear any expression--they can't--but Cass has known them long enough to read their body language. The way their torso is cocked to one side indicates irritation.

Finally, Cass says, "Sorry. I just... I don't like seeing people treat you like that. You're important to me, and when people treat you like you're just--you're just a thing..." They scrub at their face with the hand they didn't use to punch Minister Paulos. "I just see red. You deserve better."

AuDy straightens, irritation gone. "I understand," they say. "Thank you for trying to defend my honor."

That statement startles a laugh out of Cass. "When you put it like that, you make me sound like I'm some kind of knight out of Hieron and you're someone in distress."

"I am not in distress," AuDy states, their words indignant. Cass just laughs again.

"Come on, let's head back to my rooms. I should probably ice this before it swells too bad, and I don't want to be here when Euanthe hears about what happened."

*

Sokrates hears first, sending Cass a quick text that just says, "Way to go!" followed by another that says, "Hide. I'll hold back Euanthe." Duly warned, Cass grabs an ice pack on the way back to their quarters and makes sure to bolt and bar every door between the hallway and their inner chambers.

Cass holds the ice pack to their knuckles as they pace around their bedchambers. AuDy gives no outward sign of tracking their movements from where they've posted themself, but Cass can feel their sensors on them. Eventually, AuDy says, "You should sit down."

Cass pauses. "What, my pacing making you dizzy?"

"It's annoying."

Rolling their eyes, Cass strides over to their bed and sits down. "There, happy?"

AuDy makes an indistinct sound like a noncommittal hum.

The pair of them sit in silence for a while. Cass tosses the icepack on their nightstand after twenty minutes and flexes their fingers while AuDy stands unmoving.

"You're my friend," Cass says, breaking the silence. "More than my friend. I'm not sorry for punching someone who doesn't at least pretend to respect you."

"I did not ask you to be sorry." AuDy moves then, shuffling toward Cass and sitting on the bed next to them. They leave their original hand resting in the space between them, an invitation. Cass accepts it and rests their hand on AuDy's. AuDy twines their fingers together, the cool metal soothing to Cass's bruised fingers.

They lapse into silence again. Cass scoots over until they can comfortably lean against AuDy.

"Since I'm about to be murdered by my sibling, we might as well talk about the Eidolon in the room," Cass says after a while.

"What Eidolon?"

Of course AuDy would balk. Eidolons, Cass doesn't even really want to have the conversation, except… Well, except for the fact that if they don't, there isn't much chance of anything going forward. So they take a deep breath. "The one where I was drunk and kissed you."

"There is nothing to talk about," AuDy says immediately, tone firm. "You were drunk."

Cass's heart sinks, and they begin disentangle their fingers from AuDy's.

AuDy holds fast to Cass's fingers, not quite painful but not quite comfortable given their bruised state. "You are not drunk now."

"AuDy, being drunk or not doesn't change anything," Cass says. "You already know I care about you, you already know I want to be close to you. Just because I got—I got tipsy… It doesn't change what I want. That—that even though you're not romantic, I want—"

AuDy presses the first two of their golden fingers to Cass's lips. The gesture is gentle and fleeting, and it takes Cass a moment to process it. When their brain catches up, they ask, "What was that?"

"I kissed you to get you to stop talking. It worked."

Subconsciously, Cass lifts their own fingers to their lips. "That was a kiss?"

AuDy's voice synthesizer makes a noise that might be frustration or might be assent. "I do not have a mouth. I am making do. I don't have to do it again."

"No!" Cass says a little more emphatically than they'd meant to, lowering their hand. "No, it's fine. It's good. I got one last kiss before Euanthe murders me."

"Euanthe will not murder you," AuDy says with the confidence only someone who hadn't grown up with Euanthe could have. They raise their hand to Cass's lips again. "And that will not be your last kiss."

Now that Cass understands what this is, they lean into it a little. It feels odd, but then again nothing about whatever-it-is that they have with AuDy isn't. When AuDy doesn't pull back, Cass reaches up to hold their wrist and leaves a kiss on their fingertips. AuDy might not be able to feel it, but they make an approving noise all the same.

Unfortunately, the approval is short-lived; the door to Cass's quarters swings open to reveal the stately tempest that is an Euanthe Akakios Themistokles enraged. "Cassander Timaeus Berenice, you reckless…" They flail one hand in the air as they try—and fail—to come up with an appropriate word. "Do you even realize what you've done?"

"… Punched Minister Paulos for being disrespectful to my friend?" Cass ventures.

Euanthe shakes their head and pinch the bridge of their nose as if to stave off a headache. "You almost incited a diplomatic incident is what you did! Do you even realize—no, of course you don't, why would you?" They shake their head again and wheel themself further into Cass's room.

"Let me put it to you plainly," they continue, voice low and seething. "Paulos nearly asked for a duel. A _duel!_ As if it were five centuries ago! Do you really want a duel over AuDy?"

Cass's answer comes without hesitation. "I will if that's what it takes to get it through their thick skull that AuDy is a person and not some toy I keep around out of nostalgia or something."

"While I respect wanting to defend your partner, can you _please_ try to do it in a less inflammatory way?" Euanthe's tone has cooled a little, but is still snippy. "The fewer incidents I have to clean up—which, by the way, siccing Sokrates on me was less than helpful on _that_ particular front—the better. You're Apokine, for the Eidolons' sake, and you should _act like it._ "

"Sokrates chose to interfere with your ability to chastise Cass," AuDy supplies in a mockery of being helpful.

Euanthe turns to fix AuDy with a glare that would bore holes in a lesser person. "Don't you start. I know better than to trust that 'faithful-but-not-bright bodyguard' routine. Cassander could have called Sokrates off and didn't. You're just lucky I'm not Apokine and I can't have you both confined to your quarters for the rest of my term."

"Are you seriously saying you want to ground us?" The idea is so absurd that Cass has to bite back laughter.

"Act like a petulant child and get treated like a petulant child," Euanthe shoots back, turning their glare back to Cass. "Fortunately for you, I haven't the authority. Instead, I will generously clean up your mess. But the next time you do something so monumentally ill-advised, I am not going to stop the victim of your outburst from duelling you at dawn."

With that, Euanthe turns their wheelchair and rolls themself out of the room, leaving the door wide open in their wake. Outside, Euanthe continues a rant in hushed tones with Sokrates. They both have their backs to the door, but Cass strongly suspects that Sokrates remains unrepentant.

A few moments later, Euanthe's words catch up with Cass, and they nearly choke. "They called you my _partner._ "

AuDy raises their hands in a shrugging gesture. "Am I not?"

They'd never let themself think about AuDy in those terms before, worried that putting a word to their relationship with AuDy might spoil the whole thing. But hearing AuDy speak of it in such a no-nonsense matter makes Cass feel ridiculous for not having done so already. They swallow around a sudden lump in their throat. "Yeah. Yeah you are."


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It had to happen. Here's the spicy chapter. If you don't care for explicit robot-fish smoochin', turn back now and wait for chapter 5.
> 
> Thank you badskeletonpuns for the quick beta and catching a bunch of autocorrect fails.

It seems like AuDy waited until until the most inopportune moment before choosing to blindside Cass: "I want to have sex with you. I have studied Apostolosian biology and believe I will be a skilled lover."

They don't choke on their drink, but it's a near thing. "What?" they manage to croak, setting their glass down.

"I want to have sex with you. I have studied your biology," AuDy restates. 

Trying to find their conversational footing again, Cass gives a flustered laugh. "AuDy, I studied biology and thought I'd be a great lover when I was a teen, too. But I was wrong."

"I am 80,000 years old and the Divine Discovery, not a teen," AuDy says as they cross their arms over their chest. If they were organic, Cass would think they were being huffy. Hell, they probably  _ were _ being huffy about it, knowing them.

"It's not the kind of thing you can just read a book and be good at," Cass says, still trying to recover from the initial shock of AuDy's statement. "Everyone is different. It's the kind of thing you need to practice."

The words are out of their mouth before the implication of them hits, and Cass's cheeks flush like they're back to being the teen they're talking about. AuDy tilts their torso just a hair to one side (a gesture they'd picked up in lieu of tilting their head), and Cass knows there's no getting out of this conversation with their dignity intact. 

The inevitable response comes. "Then I want to practice with you."

"Where—where did this come from?" Cass stammers. All chances of recovering equilibrium are gone. "I didn't think you could… you know. Get… uh. 'Satisfaction.'" They make a vague hand gesture, unable to make themself say the words "get off." 

Thankfully, AuDy catches their meaning. "I can't, but you can. You want more intimacy and this is intimate. My satisfaction will come from yours."

"Oh." That this concept hadn't occurred to Cass makes them feel foolish. Of  _ course _ AuDy wants to do this for their benefit. "Uh. Thanks? I think?"

"Then you will allow me to practice." AuDy phrases it like a statement, but Cass knows them well enough to understand that it's an interrogatory one.

"Um." Eidolons, the flush that had risen to their cheeks had started to subside, but now it's back in full force. They'd just assumed that when AuDy had stopped them a few days ago from talking about their tipsy attempt to make out with them, that was it. Finally, they say, "Right now?"

AuDy makes a noise like static that could be mean something noncommittal or could mean  _ yes, you idiot. _

They choose to interpret it as the latter. "Uh, sure?"

"You don't sound sure," AuDy says.

Cass runs a hand over their face, distantly aware of how hot their cheeks still are. "Yeah, well, this is kind of a lot."

"If you're unsure, I will leave."

"I'm sure!" Cass's protest is a little more vehement than they'd intended, but they don't try to take it back. Instead, they press on. "That's what I was trying to tell you before. That—that I was sure when I was tipsy and that I don't have to be tipsy to  _ be  _ sure. But you shut me up."

"I had not completed my research," AuDy says as if that explains everything.

"So now that you're done, we can talk about this?"

"We have talked. You said I need practice."

Cass groans. "This is the worst foreplay ever."

AuDy crosses the short distance between them and places their gold hand on Cass's arm. Using that point of contact, they guide them to the bed. "That was not foreplay," they say, tone irritable. "I have researched foreplay."

That makes Cass chuckle. "Okay. Fine then. Show me what you know about it."

AuDy draws their hand up Cass's arm and cups Cass's cheek. AuDy's palm is cool against their skin, and they trace their thumb over Cass's cheekbone. It's such a tender gesture that Cass can't help but let their eyes close and lean into it.

While Cass has their eyes closed, AuDy brings their fingers up to Cass's mouth, pressing them to Cass's bottom lip in one of their improvised kisses. Cass kisses back even though they know AuDy's fingers weren't built for feeling such gentle pressure. AuDy makes a humming sound that can't be anything other than approval.

AuDy's fingers move, pressing kisses into Cass's jaw; into the soft skin where their jaw meets their neck; down their neck, mindful of the sensitive gill tissue. Cass tilts their head to allow AuDy better access, and they take advantage of it, trailing their fingertips along a gill slit.

"Okay," Cass breathes. "Okay. This is nice."

"Your shirt is in the way," AuDy says. Their meaning is clear:  _ take it off. _

They don't hesitate to comply. Their shirt ends up on the floor, and they toe off their socks for good measure while they're at it. If they are about to "practice" having sex, Cass knows they wouldn't be able to live with themself if they did it with their socks still on.

With more of Cass's skin exposed, both of AuDy's hands set to exploring. They start at Cass's neck and work their way down, over their chest, down their sides, and back up again. The metal warms with Cass's body heat, but the touches still leave goosebumps in their wake. Cass shivers and leans forward so their forehead rests against AuDy.

"This is good," AuDy says, another statement that is a question. AuDy's fingers trace Cass's spine, and they arch into the touch. AuDy's other hand returns to the side of their neck, and they let out a shivery breath.

"Yeah," Cass says. "This is good."

"My studies indicated that lamellar tissue is sensitive and can be an erogenous zone."

Cass nods. "Ye—ah!" Before they can finish the syllable, AuDy presses their fingers to the skin between gill slits. It's by no means rough, but the sudden sensation makes Cass gasp. When AuDy does it again—this time while dragging their other hand down Cass's back—they pull a more ragged sound from Cass's throat.

"Good," AuDy pronounces. They flatten their hand at the small of Cass's back and tug them closer until Cass gets the idea and straddles their lap. AuDy keeps tugging until Cass is completely flush with them. "That is better." 

The metal is just as warm as it had been when Cass had been tipsy, and it's easy to melt against it with AuDy "kissing" the side of their neck with slowly increasing intensity. They slide their arms over AuDy's shoulders and stroke their back with the tips of their fingers. "Can you feel that?" 

"No," AuDy says. "But you may continue. And you may kiss me."

A fond smile tugs at Cass's lips as they lean in to kiss AuDy's "face." It feels less awkward this time, now that Cass knows AuDy wants the intimacy, too. Now that Cass knows AuDy isn't just tolerating the gesture. They kiss AuDy while AuDy kisses them, in what must be the least conventional—but maybe most emotionally satisfying—makeout session they've ever been party to.

The moments bleed together into something long and languorous as heat builds in the pit of their stomach. AuDy may be holding them close, but they aren't being held immobile. They shift against AuDy so that one of their legs rests more squarely between their own and grind down on it. The metal is unyielding but it still serves the purpose of providing friction and that's the important thing.

AuDy pauses. "You require manual stimulation." 

Cass nods. "It'd be nice, yeah."

The hand that had been resting at the small of Cass's back (the new one, Cass notices distantly) moves around, tracing a path from Cass's back, over the top of their hips, and coming to rest just above the waistband of their pants. "I will provide it." 

They unbutton Cass's fly and slide their hand down to stroke Cass through their underwear. It's a tentative thing, the first motion so far that has been unsure. Cass grins and uses their position with their arms around AuDy to angle their hips to better take advantage of AuDy's palm.

"I like it better like this." Cass demonstrates and rubs their arousal against AuDy's hand. The warm metal provides a quite a pleasurable sensation, and Cass rocks their hips again. A low groan threatens to overtake their words as they say, "Take it slow at first, but—ah—be firm." 

AuDy complies, pressing their hand against Cass and rubbing them in slow strokes. Cass rests their head against AuDy's face and their breath hitches as AuDy strokes them again. AuDy continues, varying the firmness and length of their motions until it's all Cass can do not to moan with every breath. 

"Is this sufficient?" Their words are quiet, as if they don't want to speak over the noises Cass is making.

"S'good," Cass says, because it is. AuDy's found a good rhythm, and it helps that it's  _ AuDy _ currently working them over. But… "I need—I need a little more." 

There's no verbal response. Instead, AuDy punctuates their next stroke with a harsh two-fingered kiss to one of their gill slits. Cass makes a desperate noise and arches against AuDy's hand. Taking that as encouragement, AuDy repeats the motion; Cass can only gasp their name. Riding AuDy's hand in earnest now, Cass repeats their name like a mantra. For their part, AuDy uses their fingers to good effect, matching Cass's increasingly frantic efforts with their own ministrations. 

It's over too quickly. Cass comes with a strangled cry and AuDy strokes them through it. Cass is left panting as they lean against AuDy—their partner—while the aftershocks subside. For a moment they feel like a foolish teen again, not able to keep themself together that long, but AuDy makes an appreciative sound and the feeling dissipates. 

"You are satisfied with my skills," AuDy says, smug. They remove their hand from Cass's pants and run their other hand down Cass's side and back up again. 

Cass rolls their eyes, but they huff out a laugh so the same. "Maybe you don't need as much practice as I thought." 

"I will practice anyway." 

"Good," Cass says. "Maybe next time we could take my pants off." 

AuDy hums. "I could remove your pants now." 

If they weren't already flushed from their previous activities, Cass knows they'd be flushed again. "You do know what a refractory period is, right?" 

"I do. But you do not need to wear your pants to bathe." AuDy pauses as if struck by a thought. "I could wash your hair." 

Cass shivers against AuDy; the idea of that quiet intimacy hot on the heels of what they'd just done threatens to overwhelm them. It's the sort of things lovers do. And aren't they lovers now? That thought makes their throat go dry. "Yeah. Okay. Let's do that."

*

"Are you sure you should be doing this?" Cass asks as they step under the steamy spray of water. The shower stall is more than large enough to accommodate two bodies, even when one is as bulky as AuDy's, but it feels somehow smaller since it  _ is _ AuDy. And  _ that  _ feels ridiculous given what they'd just been doing. "I mean, it's a nice gesture, but—"

AuDy cuts them off. "I am rated for more than five days in acidic precipitation. This will not take so long." They follow Cass into the shower and close the sliding glass door behind them. "Face away from me."

Cass does so, closing their eyes as the water hits their face. Behind them, they hear AuDy move, but it's still a little shock when they feel AuDy's fingers brush their hair aside and press a gentle two-fingered kiss to the nape of their neck.

Their breath catches in their throat.

AuDy doesn't need to ask where Cass puts their hair care products; as the only bodyguard who stays with Cass at all hours, they've seen Cass clean their hair often enough. Cass hears them shift behind them, and then their fingers are in Cass's hair.

Cass would be lying if they said they haven't been thinking about this exact situation. They've imagined a handful of ways this could feel, based on that one tipsy night when AuDy had taken down their hair. The reality of it is only a little different: AuDy is careful and meticulous and takes their time, but their fingers aren't as sure as in Cass's imagination. They're so gentle, as if they're afraid that Cass might break under their ministrations. They lean into the touch with a sigh and just focus on enjoying the moment. 

"Acceptable?" AuDy asks—genuinely asks—on one of their lowest volume settings.

"More than just 'acceptable,'" Cass says with a soft chuckle. "Thank you. For—for this."

Their hands still for a moment before AuDy presses another kiss to the nape of their neck. "You must rinse now."

It's hard not to groan in disappointment, but AuDy's right. They can't stay like this forever. They turn back around to face AuDy, who sticks their sudsy hands into the spray to rinse them off. There's no facial expression, but Cass thinks they can read some satisfaction in the set of their shoulders and the cant of their torso.

So Cass tilts their head and does as AuDy told them. The water runs down their back in warm rivulets. Even though they've been Apokine for some time, the shower in their quarters feels luxurious as ever as they rinse off.

"The average refractory period for an adult Apostolosian of your age and physical fitness is approximately fifteen minutes," AuDy remarks out of nowhere, as if commenting on the weather.

That gives Cass pause. "What are you talking ab—"

For the second time that evening, they find their words cut off because of AuDy. More importantly, they find themself pushed up against the wall of the shower stall. The stone tile is chill against their back in stark contrast to the warmth of AuDy's chassis against their front. Audy's fingers trace the curve of their hip. "Practice," Cass hears then say over the rush of water still spraying down on the pair of them.

"Right," Cass says, voice shaky. "Practice."


End file.
